So I just saw this commercial and I had an “aha” moment. The commercial’s aim is to sell some “snack” food that will translate into “happy” children. Maybe this is where young parents get the idea they are supposed to aim for “happy” children.
But having raised three of the finest young adults in American that there are—not that I did it alone; my husband and love of my life Eyston and I with, God’s help did all we could and left the rest up to God—I believe I have some standing to speak to this issue.
My experience is what I will share. Raising “happy” children never entered my mind.
My goal was to raise children into adults that I could like—not love, of course I love them. But I mean “like” as in I choose to be in their presence as much as we can both work it out.
For example, our daughters elected to forego college homecoming weekend to attend my 52nd birthday party; another example is that our son when he got the chance to spend a month in our town after living away for nine years. He did not call up a buddy to crash with him—no, he chose to spend that month with us.
Twenty-somethings who like their parents—and whose parents like them—that is an admirable goal. But “happy” children? That is a recipe for disaster—as I see in so many young families.
What are “happy children” anyway? Do you know any? Do you have any? How long does “happy” last and how much does “happy” cost?
Happy is not something you can buy --- for long. Trying to make your kids happy is not in their LONG TERM best interest… and as a parent, you must think LONG TERM.
I think this is where some parents with less experience than others miss the mark: they do not think long term. They think peace at any price – right now!
Here’s the thing: right now changes all the time. They want a toy in the checkout line. They beg and whine and plead after you initially said no and you then buy them the toy.
What have you taught them? To beg whine and plead and then I will get my way! That may work with you for the moment, but I assure you the future employer of this “child” that you are teaching to beg, whine and plead to get his/her way WILL NOT THANK YOU for what you are planting in your offspring.
You are in fact poisoning his future—for what? For what reason will you risk his future ability to be successful on a job and in life in general? So he won’t “embarrass” you in the checkout line?
That is …thinking short term and what you sow in the short term you will reap in the long term the disastrous consequences of having made such a foolish choice. Maybe you did not know this but in raising children your goal not only is not to make your children “happy”; your goal is in fact to regularly thwart their insatiable desires!
Nor is it your goal to be “liked” by your kids. That is not your job! What they think of you is none of your business! They are kids! What do they know? If their opinion mattered, they would be raising you!
Your job is to raise responsible adults. You do not accomplish this by any effort at any time in the short term to make your child “happy.”
Your child will be secure if they have adults as parents. They will be secure and serene if they have parents whom they can trust to set limits; to say no and mean no; to protect them from themselves.
When you fail to do those simple but tough things every single day—you guarantee producing a discontented adult who will- I guarantee you-- tell his/her therapist one day that the reason they are not successful in their lives is YOUR FAULT! And on this point they will be correct.
Parents, your job is to raise kids that you like—and that does not mean just in the future. It means you raise –i.e. civilize, train, cultivate, nurture, discipline, teach, guide, correct – children that YOU LIKE BEING IN THE PRESENCE OF-- RIGHT NOW.
If you don’t enjoy your kids—and if you are honest with yourselves to admit that—the problem is not the kid—the problem is how you are NOT raising them!
If you don’t enjoy being around your kids—I can guarantee you no one else enjoys them either. How unfair it is for you to sacrifice their whole childhood adventure to your weak-willed appeasement! This is not only getting the cart before the horse—this means doing things totally backwards—what you are trying to accomplish in accommodating the kids does not work—even in the short term!
You give them anxiety if they do not know where the limits are. Let’s say you are driving in the rain on a street that does not have the white lines on the outside to mark the edge of the road. How comfortable are you driving in a rain with no markers to see where you are, how close you are to the edge?
I am willing to assert that you would feel much better if you could see those white lines—and even better if there were raised reflective markers to indicate when you are getting off track.
Though your children can’t articulate that to you, they feel exactly the same way. The problem is that inexperienced parents will listen to what kids say-- and believe the kids assessment of a situation. How silly is that?
The kids threatens you with” I’ll never speak to you again”. SO? You believe that? Nonsense!
The kid says” I’ll hold my breath till you___ “. Let them.
They say” I won’t eat that”. Who says?
There are starving children in America but they are not the kids who have their parents begging them to eat this or that. Those kids are not hungry—they aren’t allowed to get hungry! Why? Because parents let them eat whatever they want whenever they want it!
Our parents—I am speaking in general for my generation—our parents did not ask us to eat. They did not beg us to eat. They put food out. We ate or if we didn’t we went hungry. Go to bed without supper—it is not child abuse. It is teaching a child something they can learn no other way: eat dinner with your family or lose the privilege to sit with your family and eat.
The kitchen in a family home should not be an eat-- whenever you-- feel like- it restaurant!
If they don’t eat at dinner that is okay. Morning will come and with it breakfast.
Parents do not have the confidence that they will be okay. That the kids will be okay. What I have seen is that parent will say to themselves, “My parents did this and I hated it; so I will do the opposite with my kids”. Wrong! Immature! Short-sighted!
Don’t you realize that you turned out okay? Don’t you realize that you --however insecure you feel as a 20 something year old parent-- that you know more than your five year old?
If you are not sure, you have great resources all around you and I do not Dr. this or that on TV – I mean those folks who learned from experience by raising you! Your parents—you just have to have the willingness and the humility to listen to them.
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