Monday, April 27, 2020

MY NIGHT AS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN


I was minding my own business on a Thursday morning. The girls were still in high school so it was before 2006. 

I passed the bulletin board in the Bruno’s food store and this bright electric green notice caught my eye. It read: Comedians, Wanted!

According to the flyer, on that very nigh,t there was being held the equivalent of an open mike night-- only this was, not at a nightclub, but rather it was being held at the local state university, which was home to about 15,000 students at that time. The event was being held as a fund raiser to benefit  the YWCA (Young Women's Christian Association).  

A smile slid across my face at the thought of this. I reasoned, was I not meant to read this ad, since the event was tonight and not next week or last week?  

I went.  I am now backstage, waiting my turn. 

The comedian on before me is in clown makeup and costume with props no less.  I am in street clothes with my notes on a scrap of paper. 

I know about 3 jokes that I have practiced telling—I have to practice because I have this annoying habit of stepping on the punch line.  So, in order to prepare to avoid doing that – especially since, now,  all of a sudden I think—what am I doing?

But, I have told no one that I know that I am doing this. I am sure my husband or my daughters would have had an opinion:  and, I was not interested in anyone telling me "no", so I did not share till much later—after the whole thing was over.

The audience applauds so I know the other act is done and it is now my turn.  I walked onto that stage and I have to say…I loved it! 

I told them my first name and that I  was "omitting  my last name to protect the anonymity of my family". I told them, "We have these two daughters-- who tell me I am not funny—but I don’t listen to them." 

The audience laughed—out loud. I said, " I will tell you, audience, and  I will let you be the judge as to whether or not I am funny."

So, I tell the stuttering Bible salesman joke.  I am a really good fake stutterer! 

They howl! This is really fun and now I am warming up.

I don’t remember which joke I told next, but my last one, the finale is the one about the horse that only knows two commands and the guy is riding across the dessert like the wind, going west toward the Grand Canyon. 

The horse knows only two commands—on one he goes,  on the other one, he stops.  But the commands aren’t" stop" and "go".  The commands are “Amen” and “Praise the Lord”.

Only…. I get the commands mixed up and step on my punch line! As soon as I realize that I've done that, I tell the audience, "Oh, shoot! I got the commands mixed up!  I have dyslexia. Did I mention that?" 

Anyway, I corrected it the joke, getting the commands right this time,  and they laughed about all of it—my mis-statement, telling them about my dyslexia, my correcting my mistake—and so did I! 

I had the best time!  The whole thing was so funny --on many levels.  It was a really fun experience.

Oh, and I won second place! Evidently they did not expect many participants because my prize was a mug with the university logo. 

It is a good thing, too, that they gave me that mug, because otherwise, my family would not have believed me, when I told them about my adventure.

They kept looking at me as if they had never seen me before and asking me,

"Mom! You didn’t! "Did you?"

"You didn’t!  On stage? With an audience?"

"Did you tell them anything about us?", they wanted to know.

"I told them that you didn't think I was funny. I told them you did not want me to do this—or ,you wouldn’t have wanted me to do it, if you had known about it. They loved that too."

They were incredulous that I had done this wacky, spur- of -the- moment thing—but I sensed an admiration of sorts, too. I had my USA logo mug, my second place  prize ,as my proof for what was too incredible for them to believe.

In the service of full disclosure, I will tell you two things: first, I was way funnier than the clown. I know, because they howled at parts of my routine. 

But she won first prize—I think,  they felt a little sorry for her and did not want her to feel badly, since she had clearly prepared for this—getting costumes and all that.  

But, I also have to say this: while I absolutely did win second place… there were just the two of us comedians there!

We two got to stand near the door as folks were exiting.  Many people shook my hand and told me that  they loved  my act, and that I should not listen to my daughters—they agreed with me—
I am funny!

Epilogue

A few months later we are in a hotel room in Atlanta: our two daughters and two school friends of theirs.  We are there for a show choir camp. 

As we are just sitting around, just talking,  maybe, and topic of my night of stand up came up somehow.  All of a sudden,  one of the girls who had been lounging on one of the beds sat straight up and said 

I knew I knew your voice! That was you! I was in the audience—I saw you on stage in that comedy contest—with just the two comedians, that lady in the clown outfit and you!”

I beamed! "See girls? I told you I did that… and now I have a witness!"

That girl went on to become best friends with our daughters throughout high school and college.   She roomed with one of my daughters and both my daughters were bridesmaids and singers at her wedding. 

So, if you need proof, there are living witnesses!

Remind me to tell you my Stuttering Bible Salesman joke…even if you have already heard it. It is really my best one!

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